For as long as I can remember I've been very self conscience in and on pretty much every I do and have done. More than Often, I find myself having anxiety attacks from my overworking mind.
But I'm sure everyone gets that. Generally when I wake up in the morning I enjoy some tea or coffee, shower, and get ready for the day. Some days I get up easily and snap into action, other days I have to drag myself out of bed to just turn on the coffee pot. In short, productivity vs. non.
Forcing myself to look for the good in myself and to take things in a more positive way is very hard. For instance, when I'm at work a customer will come in an approach me in a very appealing and polite way. Friendly, outgoing, humorous. Of course, I'm always happy to receive customers like that and it always puts me in a great mood, even boosting my confidence to know I've pleased just one person.
Then we have the rude, 'let's talk on the phone while we make this transaction ', un-humorous beings and I can just feel my positive mood being drained while they stand in front of me. Even while I help them smiling at that point is neither rewarding nor enjoyable. It just feels like my make up. And God help you if I choose not to wear any that day. And even then, I criticize myself the most.
It's true when we read and hear that we are our own biggest critics. I don't go a day without remarking on my own weight, my freckles, my teeth and nails. Most days I can't stand the sight of myself. I compare myself and ridicule myself far too harshly and its time I admitted to that. Because I hate it.
Now a days, I'm glued to Pintrest and Tumblr looking for DIY's of natural remedies for health to make me not only feel better on the outside, but on the inside as well. I've begun a dieting system with some help and assistance of course, with a little app called 'myfitnesspal', and it's really neat. :) Counting calories is easier than I thought and with the right diet, I don't feel like I'm starving myself. Even easier since I can document my workouts too.
So, with all of that to the side I'd like to share my resolution to my years of self resentment. Rather that putting others first, I'm putting the people that truly matter in my life first. My loved friends and family are priority. Over time, I found intimacy to be a nice thing. Nice, for the moment. If you let it cloud your mind and take over your thoughts, trouble will always brew. So, abstinence is key. It's just better that way. Mind, Body, and Spirit.
Being more open minded to just people in general without looking at someone and automatically having a negative judgment of them is what I've been notorious for. This is becoming more natural to assume the real situation of someone without prying too much (since its none of my concern) and with that being more friendly becomes second nature. Smiling feels genuine, and when I walk away I know I tried my best. Little by little my confidence grows and standing up to my own negative thoughts and feelings no longer feels like war. I can finally, wholeheartedly, admit I am defeating my inner turmoil.
When I look in the mirror, I remind myself I am worth it and not a lot of people and connect the the freckles on their skin with a marker and make their own constellations. Okay, maybe something less silly, but I remind myself I'm worth something. I think about all the people that matter and love me. Or maybe even just like me. And really, it has been helping. At night, I pray for everyone. Maybe this is a bit intimate to admit but even the ones who have hurt me or who have hurt my loves ones, I pray for them. Everyone deserves happiness, even if I don't personally agree. But being at peace with myself has probably been the most relieving and esteem building stepping stone I've built.
So, If you ever feel bad or feel like you're not worth anything or don't feel attractive, put the evil You in the mirror and tell it too take a hike. You don't need that in your life. If you don't take it from other people, why become your own enemy?
Life is full of mysteries, but abundant with opportunities.
Onto a more positive note! (Pun Intended)
So, even though it'd been a while since my last blog I did have another bad biting fit with my nails. But may I be so bold as to say it's been a few weeks since I've bitten them and my oh my, look who finally has acceptable nails! *points to self dramatically* I'm going to wait until they get to the length I want them at before I polish and post a picture but it'll be soon, I'm sure. ;)
In less than a month I'll be getting on the train and heading to Washington, D.C. and I must say I'm terribly excited. There will be so much to do and see in just three days but I'm certain the trip will be well spend and enjoyed. Many pictures will be taken and I'll be Instagram crazy that entire weekend. So, those of you on my Instagram, watch out. ;)
( ´ ▽ ` )οΎ‰ Thanks for reading!
